All work and no play....

So, I have had a few conversations with people about my workout regime.  I usually work out 4 to 5 times a week, between cardio and strength training.  I get a lot of looks and comments about what a time commitment that is, the amount of discipline it takes, etc.  The funny thing is though, I don't consider myself a well discipline individual.  In fact I have a tendency to get involved in too many different projects and allow all of them to suffer from my inability to focus.  What many people don't realize is that exercise, working out, being fit, is not a chore.

When I began trying to be fit, I had already lost 60 pounds.  I looked healthier, but I still couldn't run a mile without stopping.  So I elected to change that.  I started doing light weight lifting and running about 3 miles around my neighborhood.  And it was a chore.  I really did HATE exercise, but had accepted it was necessary for my goals.  So I ran.  I got faster, my endurance improved, and my disdain of slipping on my running shoes grew with every run.  As many of you can already guess, this is not a sustainable exercise plan. If you hate whatever it is you do to workout, you will not continue working.  And I was no exception, except in one very important difference from most people.

While I was going out for my runs (I know I mentioned earlier that I was lift weights as well, but I loved that part of my work out and continue to do it today) I was still actively seeking something else.  I was unhappy with my current situation, so I would skip the long distance running one day and try sprints.  Another day I would try plyometric drills in my backyard.  And I would always return to running.  None of the alternatives I was trying out grabbed me enough to replace the crappy exercise I had stuck myself with.  But then it all changed...

A bit of back story for those of you who read this but don't know me well enough to be aware of every facet of my life, I have played video games my whole life.  And I have always gotten a great enjoyment out of games.  Now that I have grown older, I not only still play games but also advocate gamification in other aspects of life: education, business, etc.  Ask me about it sometime, it's pretty remarkable what kind of results it gets.

Anyway, back on track.  So I had bought a Kinect for my Xbox 360 probably a year or so prior to actually using it.  I thought it was an interesting concept, but just never found a reason to use it.  Then I threw in a game called "Dance Central" and my cardio routine changed forever.  Not just the dancing aspect, though that does make sweating fun, but the scoring system.  Having each dance I did be graded on a five star scale gave me a tangible goal.  Not "Run the next mile faster" kind of goal, but an actual number to shoot for.  Shortly after that I picked up Nike + Kinect and still found that even without the dance, having the tangible scores associated to my workout made all of the difference in the world.  I was more sweaty and tired doing these 40 minute workouts than I even was running for 20-30 minutes, but now it was fun.  It has continued for me to when I utilized Xbox Fitness to exercise almost exclusively, both because I love working out that way and getting to tell people that I am fit because of video games, not in spite of them, makes me immensely happy.

All of that to say that my journey is not the same as yours.  But I do believe that there is a form of physical activity that everyone can find genuine enjoyment in.  Not just something they can tolerate in order to stay fit, but actively look forward to doing it.  For some that is running incredibly long distances that make me want to weep just thinking about, others its sports, and for some including me it is video games.  I am a fit nerd, and we have hit a place where that doesn't have to be strange.  So get out there and find your bliss, because once you do, then exercising is no longer something you dread or trudge through.  I love it now, it has led to some of my greatest moments of lucidity and clarity because for an hour I could put everything else away and focus on me, you should try it sometime....it's pretty great.

Shedding your old shell....

"We are not unlike a particularly hardy crustacean.  The lobster grows by developing and shedding a series of hard, protective shells.  Each time it expands from within, the confining shell must be sloughed off.  It is left exposed and vulnerable until, in time, a new covering grows to replace the old."- Gail Sheehy: "Passages".

As someone who has undergone a fair amount of changes throughout my 20's, this quote struck me with the brilliance of it's simplicity.  When I initially tried to overcome my inherit shyness and timidness when dealing with people, I can recall one person who gave their undivided support to my endeavor.  And when it came to my weight loss, it seemed to be a constant barrage of doubt and second-guessing coming from those around me, "You'll gain it back," "Are you sure this is healthy," or "Eh, I could do that too, I'm just not that self-conscious."  The amount of push back you get from people around you when you elect to make a big change in your life makes it seem as those you've just declared, "Hey guys, just got done with Breaking Bad.  They made so much money!  I think I'm going to try that!"  The looks of distrust, betrayal, and astonish are the exact same as, "I just found this great new way to lose weight that really works for me and I'm excited to stick with it."  The only instance where the former reaction should come with the latter statement is if your preferred diet is in fact, meth.

Just like the lobster, when we elect to shed our old skin we are vulnerable and exposed to others, especially those who are close to us.  There is a certain sense of abandonment.  When you strive to fix something about yourself, you are eliminating something that once gave you common ground with those around you.  Super shy and afraid to talk to girls?  You and your friends and gripe about getting "friend zoned" (which is asinine) and how girls are soooo stuck up.  But once you make the choice to overcome that, and accept that women are (Prepare yourselves men, I'm about to drop a bombshell) in fact people too, those friends no longer have a common ground with you.  Out of shape, overweight, and content?  You and your friends can talk about the superficiality of the world, why can't people accept you for you, and discuss all the plans you make to actually lose weight this year.  But once you actually take the first steps to applying a plan to lose weight, you become a traitor.  You have succumb to the ways of the superficial, buy into their mindgames, etc. etc. etc.  It's all drivel.  Well I mean, yes, the world is crazy superficial when it comes to weight, but you know what else is linked to a reasonable weight?  Your health!  Your well being!  Not just what people think of you.

And I have also been on the other side, when people close to me have made big changes in their lives, which is why I speak with confidence on why people are really kind of jerks when you decide to become better, because I have in fact, been that jerk.  I have said "You'll be back," to those who were trying to move up in the world.  Because what it does to you as a person is inform you, "They are doing it and you are not...how does that make you feel?"  It goes back to what I talked about before... perspective.  How we frame our own narrative informs how we view others, who are "supporting characters" in our story.  The good looking fit jock is a bully, the pretty girl that ignores you is stuck up.  Where as to the jock you may be the sad underdog he wishes he could help, or to the girl your are kind of a creepy nerd or clingy friend.  Trying to view yourself as a supporting character is someone else's story can be a very illuminating exercise, because it can show you how other potentially view you.  That's why I made the changes I did, because I realized that I was not a positive character in other people's stories.  But now?  I can safely say that I have made myself someone who is compelling, interesting, well-rounded, and supportive.  So, shed your shell, grow, be greater than you once were.  I can promise you, the fear, the vulnerability, the stress, it is all worth it.

Would perception by any other name be as much of a headache?

So, it has taken some sheer force of will to post on here.  I have had about thirty different ideas for stuff to talk about, but I have a surprisingly strict filter for my own blog I have found.  I don't want to blow my own horn on here, nor do I want to project a need for pity.  I will also never air my grievances here, if I have a problem with a person I talk to them.  With having said that, let's talk about how we perceive others.

First impressions are assholes...there I said it.  So much of how I view other people I encounter in the world (and presumably everyone else is like this or else I am a nut job) is based on how I view myself and what state my mind is in.  If I am already having a crappy day and you walk up and make a sarcastic remark towards me (even in jest) I am going to resist the urge to see if I have perfected my ability to punch people with my mind (it's getting there, but right now all it seems to do is give me a headache).  But if it is the same person, with the same comment, and I have been having a great day, then I will laugh with them in a genuine fashion.

I have met people for the first time who have been kind, flirtatious, happy, etc. but because at that point in my like I was so insecure with myself and didn't think I deserved to be treated in such a way that my first thought was "What do they want from me?  Nobody is this nice without wanting something."  Is that fair? Rational? Sane? No to all three, but I know for a fact that I am not the only person who views others this way.

Also, I really feel like we perceive other people's intentions based on what we want or don't want, and that very often has absolutely nothing to do with their actual intentions.  This can be both great and awful.  If all you want is someone to be nice to you that day, because nothing else could possibly go wrong, someone just giving you a smile and a head nod can fill that void instantly.  All that person was doing is being a decent human and acknowledging you exist, they don't know what you are going through or how much you need a connection, but in your eyes they are the most genuine, kind, and open person in the whole world at that moment.  But on the other side of the coin, if you share the same world view as I once previously did, where you lack self-worth and really want to avoid a strong connection with other people, then you will probably agree with me that someone getting you a gift is enough to send your brain into calculations normally reserved for theoretical physics.  Why did they do that?  What do they expect in return? Do I have to spend more time with them now?  What would be a proper proportionate response?

Speaking as someone on the other side of that mindset, that now acknowledges that I am pretty great, if not somewhat flawed, (I'm certainly less humble than I once was, which is a shame because there was a point when I was the most humble person you ever met.  I could out humble anyone else on this planet.  I was basically the Ghandi of overweight white dudes attending a private christian university.  Also, today's letter is "S" for sarcasm) I will say that the mindset I just described is probably the most unhealthy aspect of how I used to live.  That's even including the extra 100 pounds.  Putting the world in a frame of fear only guarantees that fear paints your world as well.  The gift giver is only trying to show a form of appreciation (unless they're a sociopath who views friendships and relationships as competitions, in which case... you know what?  I don't have any advice or witty remark relating to this.  Just don't get involved with sociopaths).

All I will say is try viewing the world as something worth living in, with people worth taking chances on.  Not everyone is out to get something from someone, or win some game.  Remarkably, most people are just trying to navigate a sea of opposing emotions, thoughts, and urges all happening within themselves, and (Once again, mostly speaking for me but I assume most people are this way) all of them are thrilled to find people they can trust enough to ask for help, escape, or a beer.

The Freedom of Failure

So, a few weeks ago I wrote about saying yes to life and having a can do attitude.  I've thought about that recently and realized that there is a missing piece to that equation that I unknowingly came across during my journey.  I am about to undertake something that I never thought I would, could, or should do.  Tomorrow I am performing in a musical in which I will be singing an (albeit short) solo.  The notion of singing in front of a paying audience has been my life long fear.  The notion has, and still does, terrify me.  So how did I find myself on the eve of overcoming this, and also being oddly at calm about it?  (Don't get me wrong, there is a very good chance I will throw up from nervousness tomorrow night before the show.)  I hit a point in my life where I realized that failure is not only a bad thing, it is a necessity.  By failing at something, you learn where your limit it, and then you can push yourself to shatter down that wall towards your next failure.    I believe that we as a people have become to terrified of failure on a personal level, that we never know what we are capable of.

Now, don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful thing to think that you cannot do something and then when you decide to try it you find that you are capable and discover that about yourself.  If I had stood up in that first rehearsal and knocked my part out of the park, that would have felt wonderful and all that jazz.  But you know what feels even better?  Getting up that first rehearsal and sounding terrible.  Being so meek that the musical director can barely hear you 3 feet away.  And then two month later knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you have worked your ass off, spent the hours trying over and over, and finally hitting the point where you say "Screw it, if I suck then I suck.  But I am going to suck big!"  And then realizing the time you have spent was not wasted, you have gotten better, pushed yourself, and come out the other side better.  It happened when I tried to lose weight, I attempted it, failed, adapted, and got the results to be a greater version of myself.  Through the journey of doing a musical, I have set myself up to do nothing but fail.  I am known for my acting ability, when it comes to straight theatre I can kill it and do anything I want.  But now I have put myself in a situation where my skill set is not necessary.  Strong acting ability is not the most important thing to possess in a musical.  Singing and dancing are the two things that take center stage.  But I took a risk, I have put myself out there to see what I am made of as a man, and in 24 hours we will see what the results are.

But, had I just assumed that I couldn't do it, or rather than I had no desire to test myself, I would be the same person I was in 2013.  But I can say that only 4 months into 2014, I am a changed man with a new found confidence in my capacity to learn, adapt, and grow.  So I will say this, don't be afraid to fail, in fact, run towards failure.  It isn't until you fail that you know what you need to do to get better.

King of the Caricatures

So last week I got home from work and my roommate was watching "King of the Nerds".  I have never watched the show personally and what I saw did not grab me.  In fact, something one of the contestants said during the episode struck me, "Do we really want him to be the representative of nerd culture?"  I stood there in the living room emphatically thinking "No!  I don't want anyone of you to be the representative of my culture!"

A bit of a preface should come with this article I suppose, I'm a nerd, pretty big one at that.  I play video games, read comics, have a wide knowledge of both the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings universes, play Dungeons & Dragons, etc.  Hell, I have had an hours long conversation on what proper procedure should be when the zombie apocalypse happens. So yeah... pretty big nerd, geek, dweeb, whatever pejorative term you elect to use.

But before I get inundated with pocket protectors and tick rim glasses (I already have a pair thanks) this Christmas, I also exercise at least 4 times a week, have a thriving social circle, and am capable of going in settings where I know very few people and still having a great time.  I also love acting, playing music, and writing things that are not fan-fic (I went through a phase admittedly).

I suppose the real point I want to reiterate is that while shows like "King of the Nerds" and "Big Bang Theory" portray nerds through the lens of early nineties prime time television, the notion that those old stereotypes are still the case is archaic at best and more likely just downright insulting.  I am the best representation of a nerd in our modern culture.  I'm not saying that in the sense that I am the King of the Nerds, I'm saying if you were to take a census of all nerds everywhere...

Okay, one last point before I wrap up here, when I say all nerds, I am referring to that dreaded term "real nerds". If you really like Star Wars, that doesn't make you a nerd (when adjusted for inflation that movie made over a billion dollars when it was in theaters the first time, it doesn't exactly have cult status).  If you do, however, know who Grand Admiral Thrawn is, the circumstances surrounding Chewbacca's death, or the names of Han and Leia's children, then yes congratulations you are a nerd.  The same applies for really anything, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek; watching any of those things makes you a human, knowing more about the history of those worlds than you can safely proclaim to know about our own world lumps you in with my people (unless you are also a history nerd, in which case...well I don't have another analogy.  Let's just say if your a history nerd you get a pass and can be called a nerd at will.)

So, back to my original final point, if you were to take a census of nerds everywhere.... someone kind of like me would be the average.  Nerds are no longer socially awkward man-children in capable of understanding the appeal of dating, social gatherings, or when to "shut the hell up about Star Wars already Eric nobody cares!" (Hey, I can't say I was always this well adjusted).  Most of my co-workers that I have begun working with play DnD, and none of them are incapable of carrying on a conversation about something other than nerd stuff.

And I think some of this may come from age, and a inherit lack of caring about how people will judge me based on my hobbies.  I play Dungeons & Dragons every other week because it is a consistent way for me and those friends to get together and hang out.  Yes, we really enjoy playing the game and sharing in the story, but it is for us truly no different than if we all just sat around talking for 3 hours, it is social time.  I know too much about Star Wars and Lord of the Rings because those initial stories were amazing when I first experienced them, and once I became interested in writing and building worlds within my story those two universes were the best examples I could dive into and learn more about.  My point is, when you are an awkward kid getting picked on in middle school (Hello! I'm Eric.  Do you like the Rebel Alliance sticker on my Tapper Keeper?), those things are escapes from the real world.  You hide in the stories and the worlds because they lack the judgement that the real world seems all too ready to dish out.  It is sad, tragic, and most importantly of all: temporary.  Now I am a grown-ass man who knows what I like and will proudly tell you about it if you want (Hello! I'm Eric.  Do you like the Rebel Alliance sticker on my bumper?), or I will shut up about it and discuss fitness, music, acting, literature, pop culture, or anything else because I am capable of that, even if you are female.

So yeah, when you watch those programs just remember that you are watching outdated caricatures of a pretty large group of people that exist in the world today.  Anyways, that's it for my nerd rant.  Next time I think I may have to write about fitness or something to offset this wild imbalance I'm feeling.

Check Yes or No...

I got home tonight after rehearsal and my roommate was watching the movie "Yes Man" on tv.  That took me back.  Honestly I have never sat down and watched the movie, but I did read the book (insert pretentious adjustment of my glasses).  When I read the book I was immediately inspired.  This book literally caused my to laugh out loud in my house by myself.  The book isn't a work of fiction, it is a memoir.  The author Danny Wallace actually spent about 3 months of his life only saying yes.  His story took him to far off places, wild nights, and reconnecting with old friends.  But more importantly, his take away was that he had reconnected with life.

I decided after reading it that I could pull it off for at least a month, surely.  It seemed simple, yet daunting at the same time.  This was a few years ago, and I only informed one person so they could keep me honest in my endeavor.  I made it just over a month, but in a way it never stopped.  Something happens to you when you just say yes to people.  I found myself going to concerts, spending time with people that I had never really had the desire to, helping random acquaintances move, all kinds of random things.  But more so, it felt good.  Even the really crappy things that weren't fun, in my head I was constantly saying "I would never had gained this experience before."  To this day, that month I spent saying yes changed me fundamentally.

I get asked quite a bit how I am so positive.  I rarely vent, or rant, or gripe.  I take life in stride and accept whatever it has to offer.  I think it was because I learned by saying Yes to life, I was saying Yes to contentment.  Am I always happy? No  But I am content with my life.  I do my best to see things from other people's needs and attend to my own.  I do say no again, because doing everything empties your wallet fairly quickly.  But, while I do say no occasionally to other's request, I have stopped saying no to my own requests.  When I think to myself, "Can I do this" "Do I deserve this" "Am I capable", the answer is now yes when it once was no.  So that would be my challenge, if you are brave enough, say yes for a month, it is a formative exercise that is enriching.  But if you don't want to say yes to everyone, at least say yes to yourself.  It will allow you to be happier, more productive, and makes life a lot more fun.

My Art...

For those of you behind on the times in my life, I left my job at AT&T about back in July.  It was a great job that I was good at, but I consistently found myself unsatisfied when I took stock of my life.  I had enough money to get by, a great group of friends, and a good deal of satisfaction with what I could accomplish at my job (including accidentally exposing a husband's infidelity).  So I took a drastic action, I quit.  I was unsure of what I was going to do, but I needed to free myself.  I was living to work.  So I left and a couple weeks later had a new job.  But before the new job came along, I jumped back into my passions, acting and music, and discovered some new ones, painting and graphic design.

It was amazing to begin exercising those muscles again.  It had been so long, so there was some atrophy, but before long I was remembering songs on the guitar I had learned a decade ago, and I was in a production of the Crucible (one of my favorite plays of all time that I had never had the chance to do before).  I completed a painting and designed a web site.  I began thinking about what makes art special, especially the older arts.  One of my favorite shows, Parks and Recreation, has a quote from Ron Swanson:

"Welcome to "Visions of Nature." This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech."

Now, that is funny, but it did strike me as an interesting thought.  We have photography, film, and recorded music; why would someone view a painting (I'm speaking of realism and landscape, abstract art is a whole other beast), go see a play, or watch a musician perform live?  A photograph will capture the image more precisely, film actors have multiple chances to get a scene just right whereas stage actors have to get it right in that moment with you staring at them, and the music will sound great from your speakers.

But that is just it, my art exists in my mistakes.  When I am painting the shape of a tree just slightly wrong, you know I did it.  When I am acting on stage and I accidentally spit in an actor's face from shouting a line, you know that was a real moment and everyone involved if fighting that urge to react to it.  And the voice cracks, missed fingering, and raw energy that goes into playing music in front of people, there's magic in it.  Nobody seeking art is seeking perfection, they are seeking you.  The artist has only one pact with his audience, to expose himself, not to be perfect, and with that knowledge, it takes a bit of the pressure off.

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)