So, it has taken some sheer force of will to post on here. I have had about thirty different ideas for stuff to talk about, but I have a surprisingly strict filter for my own blog I have found. I don't want to blow my own horn on here, nor do I want to project a need for pity. I will also never air my grievances here, if I have a problem with a person I talk to them. With having said that, let's talk about how we perceive others.
First impressions are assholes...there I said it. So much of how I view other people I encounter in the world (and presumably everyone else is like this or else I am a nut job) is based on how I view myself and what state my mind is in. If I am already having a crappy day and you walk up and make a sarcastic remark towards me (even in jest) I am going to resist the urge to see if I have perfected my ability to punch people with my mind (it's getting there, but right now all it seems to do is give me a headache). But if it is the same person, with the same comment, and I have been having a great day, then I will laugh with them in a genuine fashion.
I have met people for the first time who have been kind, flirtatious, happy, etc. but because at that point in my like I was so insecure with myself and didn't think I deserved to be treated in such a way that my first thought was "What do they want from me? Nobody is this nice without wanting something." Is that fair? Rational? Sane? No to all three, but I know for a fact that I am not the only person who views others this way.
Also, I really feel like we perceive other people's intentions based on what we want or don't want, and that very often has absolutely nothing to do with their actual intentions. This can be both great and awful. If all you want is someone to be nice to you that day, because nothing else could possibly go wrong, someone just giving you a smile and a head nod can fill that void instantly. All that person was doing is being a decent human and acknowledging you exist, they don't know what you are going through or how much you need a connection, but in your eyes they are the most genuine, kind, and open person in the whole world at that moment. But on the other side of the coin, if you share the same world view as I once previously did, where you lack self-worth and really want to avoid a strong connection with other people, then you will probably agree with me that someone getting you a gift is enough to send your brain into calculations normally reserved for theoretical physics. Why did they do that? What do they expect in return? Do I have to spend more time with them now? What would be a proper proportionate response?
Speaking as someone on the other side of that mindset, that now acknowledges that I am pretty great, if not somewhat flawed, (I'm certainly less humble than I once was, which is a shame because there was a point when I was the most humble person you ever met. I could out humble anyone else on this planet. I was basically the Ghandi of overweight white dudes attending a private christian university. Also, today's letter is "S" for sarcasm) I will say that the mindset I just described is probably the most unhealthy aspect of how I used to live. That's even including the extra 100 pounds. Putting the world in a frame of fear only guarantees that fear paints your world as well. The gift giver is only trying to show a form of appreciation (unless they're a sociopath who views friendships and relationships as competitions, in which case... you know what? I don't have any advice or witty remark relating to this. Just don't get involved with sociopaths).
All I will say is try viewing the world as something worth living in, with people worth taking chances on. Not everyone is out to get something from someone, or win some game. Remarkably, most people are just trying to navigate a sea of opposing emotions, thoughts, and urges all happening within themselves, and (Once again, mostly speaking for me but I assume most people are this way) all of them are thrilled to find people they can trust enough to ask for help, escape, or a beer.
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